Love and Money

Being Happy (Dammit)

Life is good.  I'm not sure how to feel about it.  How weird is that?

I decided to make 2010 my "Year of Me" and to avoid taking on anything extra that would stress me out.  No school.  No major volunteer or personal development projects.  Lots of fun and exercise. 

It's been one of my best years ever.  I really enjoy my work. I have a consistent flow of projects from both existing and new clients.  I've had ample leisure time.  I'm down 13 pounds.  My stress level is pretty low most days.  If anything, mild boredom is creeping in.  I made more money than I expected to this year.  We are both employed.  We took three family-oriented vacations, going to AZ to see my grandparents (just before my grandmother passed away), to the Carolinas for a cruise and family wedding, and to Hawaii with the Dad-in Law.

I'm struggling a little with feeling good about this year though.  I actually feel guilty!  There are a lot of people who are unemployed and unhappy, and I feel a bit evil to be enjoying my year.  I feel even guilter when I think about continuing this pattern next year. 

So how should I be thinking about this?  Here are some different options:

1) Enjoy it while it lasts.   Good times are fleeting.  People you love get sick or die, work gets stressful, and life throws hurdles your way.  One perspective says that I should simply enjoy this time while it lasts, because it won't last forever.

2) Volunteer more.   One temptation to reduce my "life is good" guilt is to contribute more to the less fortunate.  But how much sense does that make if it's just a selfish move to make myself feel better?  I do volunteer with a few great nonprofits, I mentor, I help, and we contribute to many worthy causes.   I'm not sure that amping up my d0-gooder-ness is the answer here.

3) Break my addiction to chaos.  I think part of my weird feelings are related to the fact that I tend to expect life to be chaotic.  I am a bit of a type A, so if I'm not embroiled in so much productive work that my ears bleed I feel at loose ends.  How much of my unease is related to my compulsive need to be overworked?

It's not much good to be happy if I can't enjoy it.  Time to get over myself already!

Embracing Secular Paganism

Fall always makes me want to return to my Pagan roots, to light a candle, do a little magick, and kick my feet through the crunchy autumn leaves.

I'm always conflicted about these feelings.  Spiritually, I am Pagan.  I experience divinity through nature.  I embrace the mystery of the unseen world.  I suspect that we can influence the world through the manipulation of our own will, whether that be a physical manifestation or simply applied psychology. I find meaning in the traditions and rituals associated with Pagan spirituality.

And yet...

The Pagan "community" feels foreign to me.  I feel no urge to wear a cape, burden myself with ritual tools, celebrate the seasons with strangers, or hold forth on the details of this or that ritual practice.   I also find myself rolling my eyes a little at "books" which espouse "ancient wisdom" which seems to be little more than fiction.  I am a modern empowered woman, and the trappings and conversations of the Pagan community seem offputting at best, or childish at worst.  I wish these people happiness, but I don't want to be part of the group.

I find myself moving towards a more private, less showy, and more centered kind of spirituality.  I'm perfectly fine with that.  And I honestly don't think that it matters much what others think about it.

 

Work and Life in Balance

I haven't posted much in the last few months, I suppose because I've not been in a reflective mood.  Fall is here though, and that always makes me turn inward, so I figure it's time to pause.

I was facilitating a retreat this past weekend and as we were doing introductions I asked the group to share something that they are enjoying about 2010.  Then I asked myself the same question.

Strange as it sounds, I feel like I've had some work/life balance this year.  I've been working hard and enjoying my job, but I've also been exploring the city, playing roller derby, visiting with friends and family, swimming, and getting enough sleep.

I'm sure that part of this has been our move to the city, another part has been that I've purposefully not taken on anything major this year, and another part has been that I've been trying to simplify things.  Less stuff, less mental clutter, and no beating myself up about giving up the things I don't enjoy.

I've been trying to remove most of the "shoulds" from my life. 

It's been good.  It's been right.  I'm glad.

The Lesson I Never Learned

I went to a writing workshop this weekend, and we were asked to write a funny essay.  The instructor encouraged us to exaggerate, to be self-depricating, and to get "really really honest."  It was fun, the highlight of the day, and I wrote about my profound and dramatic struggle with putting away my husband's laundry.  It got me thinking about the negative meaning I attach to domestic tasks.

I always resented the way my mother took care of my sister and I, the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning, and everything else on top  of her job.  I didn't resent her for it, I resented my dad, who in my view was waited on hand and foot simply for the virtue of being born with a penis. Why would anyone want to get married, I questioned, when what resulted was the inevitable loss of self?

Because of this (in part) I grew up with an aversion to anything "wifely", including but not limited to cooking, cleaning, childrearing, and baking.  These were symbols to me, indications of a woman giving up her power, and I was going to have no part of it.

So now I come to present day, where my new "work-life philosophy" includes me taking on some of the extra housework for the two of us. It's been challenging in all sorts of weird ways.  Then I made a startling discovery. There is an upside to domesticity!

I have been surprised to discover that I enjoy taking care of my husband.  It makes me feel good to complete small tasks for him, or to prepare him a dinner on a busy night.  Those old "wifely" tasks I've avoided have taken on a new meaning, something done out of love, not something taken from me by force. An act of tenderness, not one of subordination.

It's made me reconsider those days when my Mom had dinner waiting when my father came home, and when she ironed his shirts.  I can see now that it was an act of caring on her part, and that there is nothing demeaning in taking care of the people you love, so long as they value and return your care.

I'm not going to go all Martha Stewart or anything, and Gods know I still don't want children. But I feel more at peace with my occasional wifeliness.  A small change, a strange one, but it is good.

The Secret to Happiness

"Regard the fleeting world like this: like stars fading and vanishing at dawn, like bubbles on a fast moving stream, like morning dewdrops evaporating on blades of grass, like echoes, mirages, and a dream."

I'll tell you the secret to a happy life in just one word: appreciation.

I am happy because I appreciate my life in big and small ways. It begins by recognizing how fragile and temporary we are. Think about it with me.  

Today as I write this, I am thirty-one years old. I face (as you do) the inevitability of death, loss, and sickness.  As I get older, the people I love will die one by one.  My health will inevitably decline.  My body will get wrinkled and less attractive.  Someday, my husband will die or I will, leaving at least one of us alone and probably broken.  Our bodies wear out to remind us that they are temporary, and everything we have, from our friends to our wits are only on loan to us.

Do you think this is depressing? These are not morbid thoughts to me.  On the contrary, the fleeting nature of our lives is a kind of gift.  How can I fail to appreciate a friend, a sister, or a rainy day when I know that everything is temporary?  How can I feel anything but the deepest joy when hugging Patrick after work, knowing that even the happiest marriages someday come to an end?

Life is good.  Too good to waste time being angry with people or to yearn for some external thing to make you happy.  I appreciate being awake and aware in this life, able to experience the full range of the human condition. So much to see, do, touch, taste, learn, and try!  I don't want to waste a second of it.

Do you?

Make space, and success comes rushing in.

Strange things.

A couple weeks ago I made the decision to stop stressing about consulting work and instead to spend my time more evenly balanced between consulting, teaching, and living.

Then the phone calls started to roll in.  Three requests for consulting work in a week, where formerly I might have gotten one, or possibly none.  Fast movers too, one director called me yesterday, read my proposal this morning, and is already checking my references.  I could get used to this.

Success?  Coincidence? 

I suppose it doesn't matter.  I'm happy to roll with it.

The Bottled Water Experiment

I had an idea the other day.  Contestants on the show "The Biggest Loser" were asked to haul sandbags that represented how much weight they had lost.  They were surprised at the "heft" of the burden they had left behind.

It got me curious about how much of a burden I am carrying around right now, and if there was a way I could use a tangible representation of this to my benefit.

In the last year, I've lost about 15 pounds and I have about 30-34 more to lose*.  I purchased 4 gallons of water, which collectively weigh 34 pounds.

I picked them up and hauled them around for a while, thinking about how nice it would be to no longer be carrying that weight on my small frame.  How much faster could I skate if I were that much lighter?

Pretty good motivation for four bucks worth of bottled water!  I think I'm going to hang onto these, and allow myself to gradually empty them out as I continue doing what I am doing. 

* This number is an estimate; muscle and fat being different things.  I don't have a problem with adding the former.

The Art of Selfishness

Last week I went to the HR Association meeting, chatted with some business friends, ate a little, and then left very discreetly when I realized that the speaker's topic didn't interest me. 

Was this rude?

Over the last few months I decided to see less of a few of my friends who either A) never call unless they need something from me or B) perpetually show up late to everything, or C) spend our entire time together complaining about how miserable they are - creating a cesspool of negative energy.

Am I being a bad friend?

Some people might judge me for these actions I suppose, but I'm feeling OK with it all.  Pruning away the things that sap my energy, and creating room.

What should you be pruning away, that you are keeping because of guilt or worry?

Life Simplified: The Joy of an eBook Reader

I love books.  If you don't believe me, ask Patrick.  We have a wall of books, books in my office, books on the nightstands, in the bathroom, and even scattered in between the sheets in bed. (No rear-end paper cuts yet, we've been lucky.)

And when it came to eBook readers, I was a little skeptical.  I thought I would miss the tactile sensation of a book, the smell of the paper and glue, and the rustle of the pages.

Well, I've had my Nook ebook reader for two weeks and I have had difficulty putting it down.  I read in bed, in the living room, on the plane, on the beach, and in the bathroom (don't ask).  I downloaded a dozen books from the library and read them all.  I am a readasaurus.

I haven't missed the paper or the smell, and I love that I can (theoretically) have my entire library in my purse.  I like that I can loan my ebooks to a friend, and return them to the library with a click.  I like that I can go to fictionwise and get the latest version of Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine and drop it into my Nook, and that I can instantly go to the page I left off on, with no flipping.

Less space needed for book storage, Easy access to a big library of books at any time, Access to Library eBooks.

This has definitely been worthwhile.  I wonder how ebook readers are eventually going to change the world?  Bookcase companies may need to expand their product portfolios to stay competitive.

A Satisfying Career: A New Work-Life Philosophy

When I began consulting, I did so with the expectation that I would have a lot of fun and make a lot of money.  Well, I was halfway right.  I've had a lot of fun, but it hasn't exactly made me rich.

Is it me?  Is it the economy?  Is it my business model?  These are questions that I've spent a lot of time thinking about.  But sometimes you end up asking yourself the wrong questions.  My question has continued to be something like this:

"What are you doing wrong that is preventing you from reaching your revenue goals?"

I know, my appreciative inquiry teacher would be disappointed that I've spent so much time thinking about what I am doing wrong.  It reminds me of that old story about the kid who was so greedy that he stuck his hand in the cookie jar, grabbed all the cookies in one hand, and then couldn't pull his hand out.  Sometimes I get so fixated on a narrow view of success that I make things harder than they need to be. I smoosh my own cookies.

Sometimes when you run up against a wall, it's not that you are missing an answer, it is that you are asking the wrong question.  So here is my new question.

"What kind of life would you like to create for yourself?"

Instead of bashing myself against the wall, trying to secure large consulting projects, I'm going to take a little bit of a different approach.

1. Spend a chunk of my time consulting, and marketing my consulting business.

2. Spend a chunk of my time teaching college classes.

3. Spend a chunk of my time pursuing interesting projects.  (Selecting and managing a rental property, re-writing my novel, volunteering, etc)

I'm not giving up on the idea that consulting can be lucrative, but I'm going to create a more balanced approach to work.  Some consulting, some teaching, and some time for seeking out new opportunities. 

I'm going to give this one a try and see how it goes.  I'll keep you posted.